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Lost and helpless.
I'm at a crossroads.
Somebody whose opinion I respect utterly has told me that they don't think I'm a very nice person, and that it was really starting to bother them. They think I spend too much time angry at other people, too much time yelling, too much time hating others, too much time being cynical and embittered and raging. They said that I spend so much time full of hatred and anger that it's difficult for them to believe sometimes if the nice things I do for them even mean anything.
And for one of the first times in my life, I was struck utterly dumb. The silence spun out and out and out, stretching like a cable of a spiderweb in a high wind. When I finally was able to find words, my voice felt harsh and disused. I tasted rust in my mouth as I fumbled for answers. Even now I still feel lost and helpless, trying to respond when there is no response. I cannot answer the unanswerable.
I have never claimed I was perfect. I have never made myself out to be a paragon of virtues. Most of the people I am friends with have been warned up front that I am often difficult to get along with. I know that I *AM* short-tempered, high-strung and entirely too cynical. And I've always prided myself on not caring what other people think of me. So why does it bother me so much, what this person has told me? Why am I now desperately groping for a shard of self-worth, trying to convince myself that I'm really not all that bad? That I do have something to offer the world at large?
I think it's because while I couldn't care less what the world at large thinks of me, I do care about the opinions of my friends and acquaintances, people that I hang out with by my own choice. And I really don't know what most of you think of me. I don't know how you perceive me and I don't know how I come across to the people that I give a shit about (all of you).
Now, there's nothing I hate more than people who use their journals exclusively to whine about how miserable their lives are. I refuse to do that here. I am not posting this as a plea for validation, trolling for compliments. Instead, what I want from you folks now is your honest opinion. I want the raw truth. What do you REALLY think of me? Am I a total ass? Do I spend too much time raging and storming and not enough time being cool? Have I got serious psychological problems? Or am I a basically decent guy who just has a hair-trigger temper?
Anonymous commenting is always on in this journal but I feel obligated to mention again that it's turned on for this entry. Say whatever you please -- give me a piece of your mind and tell me exactly what's wrong with me, or tell me you think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread -- but I don't want holding back and I want the utter unvarnished truth. If I can figure out how to do that, I'll also turn off IP logging so comments can't even be traced back to originating ISPs.
Ready, set, go. FEUER FREI!
-- END OF LINE --
Currently playing: Kamelot -- Epica. Worship the mighty Khan, for he has a voice like none other.
Somebody whose opinion I respect utterly has told me that they don't think I'm a very nice person, and that it was really starting to bother them. They think I spend too much time angry at other people, too much time yelling, too much time hating others, too much time being cynical and embittered and raging. They said that I spend so much time full of hatred and anger that it's difficult for them to believe sometimes if the nice things I do for them even mean anything.
And for one of the first times in my life, I was struck utterly dumb. The silence spun out and out and out, stretching like a cable of a spiderweb in a high wind. When I finally was able to find words, my voice felt harsh and disused. I tasted rust in my mouth as I fumbled for answers. Even now I still feel lost and helpless, trying to respond when there is no response. I cannot answer the unanswerable.
I have never claimed I was perfect. I have never made myself out to be a paragon of virtues. Most of the people I am friends with have been warned up front that I am often difficult to get along with. I know that I *AM* short-tempered, high-strung and entirely too cynical. And I've always prided myself on not caring what other people think of me. So why does it bother me so much, what this person has told me? Why am I now desperately groping for a shard of self-worth, trying to convince myself that I'm really not all that bad? That I do have something to offer the world at large?
I think it's because while I couldn't care less what the world at large thinks of me, I do care about the opinions of my friends and acquaintances, people that I hang out with by my own choice. And I really don't know what most of you think of me. I don't know how you perceive me and I don't know how I come across to the people that I give a shit about (all of you).
Now, there's nothing I hate more than people who use their journals exclusively to whine about how miserable their lives are. I refuse to do that here. I am not posting this as a plea for validation, trolling for compliments. Instead, what I want from you folks now is your honest opinion. I want the raw truth. What do you REALLY think of me? Am I a total ass? Do I spend too much time raging and storming and not enough time being cool? Have I got serious psychological problems? Or am I a basically decent guy who just has a hair-trigger temper?
Anonymous commenting is always on in this journal but I feel obligated to mention again that it's turned on for this entry. Say whatever you please -- give me a piece of your mind and tell me exactly what's wrong with me, or tell me you think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread -- but I don't want holding back and I want the utter unvarnished truth. If I can figure out how to do that, I'll also turn off IP logging so comments can't even be traced back to originating ISPs.
Ready, set, go. FEUER FREI!
-- END OF LINE --
Currently playing: Kamelot -- Epica. Worship the mighty Khan, for he has a voice like none other.
no subject
I will take responsibility for my actions, and I will admit when I'm wrong. If you give ME an attitude problem when you're at fault, don't expect any sympathy from me.
Sometimes people are only in a position to see you from certain sides only, be it when you're at work, or working on thesis, or getting home from rush hour, or whatever. Despite this narrow window of experience with a given person, people tend to generalize.
Honestly, without more time with you, I couldn't really confirm or deny their claims on your behavior, but I suspect it had come from a limited context.
That being said, perhaps your external presentation might benefit from a little calming every now and again, and maybe getting to the root of the high-strungedness might not be a bad plan, either (given your account of their viewpoint and your own admissions). I tend to view patience as something that's learned, starting with the deliberate act of trapping every immediate reaction one generates for analysis, before manifesting said reaction. At least, it might be good to work on if you don't want to let other people think these things of you.
no subject
perhaps your external presentation might benefit from a little calming every now and again
Oh, definitely. It's just not very easy, y'know? Especially when it's such an ingrained thing with me.
and maybe getting to the root of the high-strungedness might not be a bad plan, either (given your account of their viewpoint and your own admissions)
Brother, if I knew exactly what the problem was, I'd be a lot more Zen-calm than I am now. I'm trying to find the source, though. :)
cheers,
Phil
no subject
Meditation
It really does work if you pursue it.
It's a thought. I think I've recommended this to you already -- I've seen, in real life,-- how this affects people and I think it's a positive effect so far...
Veronica