dslartoo | Lost and helpless.

Lost and helpless.

I'm at a crossroads.

Somebody whose opinion I respect utterly has told me that they don't think I'm a very nice person, and that it was really starting to bother them. They think I spend too much time angry at other people, too much time yelling, too much time hating others, too much time being cynical and embittered and raging. They said that I spend so much time full of hatred and anger that it's difficult for them to believe sometimes if the nice things I do for them even mean anything.

And for one of the first times in my life, I was struck utterly dumb. The silence spun out and out and out, stretching like a cable of a spiderweb in a high wind. When I finally was able to find words, my voice felt harsh and disused. I tasted rust in my mouth as I fumbled for answers. Even now I still feel lost and helpless, trying to respond when there is no response. I cannot answer the unanswerable.

I have never claimed I was perfect. I have never made myself out to be a paragon of virtues. Most of the people I am friends with have been warned up front that I am often difficult to get along with. I know that I *AM* short-tempered, high-strung and entirely too cynical. And I've always prided myself on not caring what other people think of me. So why does it bother me so much, what this person has told me? Why am I now desperately groping for a shard of self-worth, trying to convince myself that I'm really not all that bad? That I do have something to offer the world at large?

I think it's because while I couldn't care less what the world at large thinks of me, I do care about the opinions of my friends and acquaintances, people that I hang out with by my own choice. And I really don't know what most of you think of me. I don't know how you perceive me and I don't know how I come across to the people that I give a shit about (all of you).

Now, there's nothing I hate more than people who use their journals exclusively to whine about how miserable their lives are. I refuse to do that here. I am not posting this as a plea for validation, trolling for compliments. Instead, what I want from you folks now is your honest opinion. I want the raw truth. What do you REALLY think of me? Am I a total ass? Do I spend too much time raging and storming and not enough time being cool? Have I got serious psychological problems? Or am I a basically decent guy who just has a hair-trigger temper?

Anonymous commenting is always on in this journal but I feel obligated to mention again that it's turned on for this entry. Say whatever you please -- give me a piece of your mind and tell me exactly what's wrong with me, or tell me you think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread -- but I don't want holding back and I want the utter unvarnished truth. If I can figure out how to do that, I'll also turn off IP logging so comments can't even be traced back to originating ISPs.

Ready, set, go. FEUER FREI!

-- END OF LINE --

Currently playing: Kamelot -- Epica. Worship the mighty Khan, for he has a voice like none other.

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The few times I've met you, I thought you were much fun. But then, I also like

kellinator, so we know my tastes are skewed. :P

If it bothers you that you are being perceived as overly harsh, perhaps you could keep a log of trends in your conversation. Note how many rants you have in a conversation. If that is a level that you find unacceptable, then you can work on altering it.

If you're happy with yourself and the way you come across, though, don't change. Be who you are happy being.

Overall my own opinion of myself is the most important thing, but neither do I wish to lose my friends because of my own idiotic behavior. So....I thought I'd see what everybody else thinks. Thanks for the comments. You're fun too. :)

cheers,
Phil

At least when I keep the children far, far away. ;)

Yes, well, at least I warned you about that in advance. :)

(am I really THAT obvious around kids? Sheesh.)

cheers,
Phil

Yes, yes you are. And since kids are rather like cats, this means they will be irresistably drawn to you.

*remembers the time in the grocery store one December when a little girl said "SANTA!!!" and you growled at her*

You know, Phil? Maybe I don't know you as well as I thought I did. Because, aside from one exception, I have found you to be the complete oppsite of what you stated here. Whenever I see you, even when you're distracted, you take time to say hi and ask me how I'm doing. No snide remarks, no put-downs, none of that stuff. You've always been straight forward and honest, but never downright rude. Everybody has their bad days, but I never seem to notice them.

Maybe this person caught you on a bad day. But you are not a total ass. Maybe I haven't seen you get really pissed. I also don't know your current total situation, but don't let the bastards grind you down. This, too, shall pass. Keep on firing, man.

Cheers,
Matt (borrowed from you there)

Thanks for the comments! It's reassuring to hear that somebody who knows me outside of Livejournal doesn't think that I'm a total ass. 'Preciate it.

cheers,
Phil

Well, I've never seen you as such, but mostly we pass each other in the hall at Dragon*Con or connect via LJ, so I can't really say I have a lot of applicable experience...

-TG

Why do you say you're at a crossroads? If it turns out that you are all the things accused, will you make an effort to change? Is there something wrong with being all of those things, so long as you're willing to accept the consequences of them? Do you want to be a nice person? What exactly does 'nice' mean to you, if so?

I have never met you. The only medium through which I know you is LJ. And from what I read, you're no more nor less hateful/ugly/mean than anyone else.

- ES

As always, you ask the interesting questions. Yes, I think that if the vast majority of my friends see me as a jackass, then I had damn well better make an effort to change, lest I lose my friends.

Back in college I was an utterly depressing and utterly depressed jerk. My friends DID tell me at the time that it was really tough to deal with me sometimes. It wasn't easy, but I dragged myself out of that and became a more cheerful and upbeat person. Now, however, I'm wondering if I just exchanged depression for anger, condescension, and meanness. Thus, this informal poll.

"Nice" is too generic and broad a word for me to use generally -- it has so many possible meanings. The only reason I used it in the post was because that was the word the other person chose.

cheers,
Phil

Where is your line in the sand? If you're willing to change to keep your friends, how far are you willing to go to do so? Is a friend who wants/needs you to change, a friend? Is a friend who wants/needs you to change for your own benefit, going to leave if you don't?

What will you do, if half of the responses are "You're yucky!" and half are "You're nifty!"? Is a poll like this, informal or no, going to give you the answers you're looking for? Why is someone(s) elses opinion of your personality, for good or ill, more important or more true than your own judgement of Self?

I'm not against change, yah? I'm all for it, in fact. :) But I'm curious, and so I ask.

- ES

I'm not using this as a be-all and end-all, more as a sort of baseline so I can see how my friends view me. I haven't drawn a line in the sand per se; as with most stuff in life, this is plenty of varying shades of gray rather than stark black and white. I presume that most of my friends must think I'm an okay person or they wouldn't be associating with me, but I do have to wonder if they think I'm an ass more than half the time.

Why is someone(s) elses opinion of your personality, for good or ill, more important or more true than your own judgement of Self?

Quite honestly, it isn't. Part of the discussion I was having with this person revolved around me being me-centric. I do think that everybody's me-centric to a certain extent, and I'm perhaps a more extreme example of that, because I tend to shrug off most of the nasty comments sent my way, or automatically discount them because they come from idiots. My sense of self is the most important....but because I care deeply for my friends, I honestly want to know if they think the benefits of being around me no longer outweigh the problems I cause with my Prickly-Porcupine personality.

cheers,
Phil

The amount of time I have spent talking to you face to face it woefully in-adequate. Through the weird voyeurism of LJ, I think I know you decently well on some levels, but not at all in others, which is the fault of the medium. I think you are a good guy, who at times makes me think about things in a way which is different than the way I had been thinking.

I have never experienced your temper in real time, only through the occasional passionate posts that you have made here, so I can't say.

I don't expect that the people who've only met me once or twice can really have a lot to contribute to the discussion (since through no fault of their own they just haven't spent much time around me), but all the same it's nice to hear that you think I'm a nice enough guy. Thanks :)

cheers,
Phil

As we've never met in person my only opinion of you is through what I've read in your journal. And I guess most of us present an "image" in our journal. Goodness knows I'd never want to be solely judged on the whining I've done in mine. That said, in the past few years of reading you or seeing comments you have left in others' (and my) journal I have found that you are loyal to your friends, compassionate, fervent, and seem to be a really decent, good guy. I think we all have tendencies to rage when there is something to rage against. I haven't seen you do so too much or too unjustly.

Thanks for the reply and I'm glad to hear that you don't think I'm too much of an ass. :)

cheers,
Phil

I think that an important thing to remember here is that your friend is most likely not saying these things to hurt you or upset you. They are probably trying to help you. And as hard as it is to do, try to look past the shock and upset of the criticism to see what they actually said. Heck, offering criticism is a sign that they do think that you're a great person, because if you weren't, you wouldn't be worth the effort.

Oh, I know that it was meant constructively for certain, that they really want me to be happy rather than angry all the time. They even said so in so many words.

I just got to wondering whether that's the way everybody else sees me too.

cheers,
Phil

As you know you are one of my closest friends and I love you to death. You are always there when Jay or I needs you and go out of your way to help. Yes I think I know you pretty well. YOu can be umm moody sometimes and do get bent out of shape for little things that I think are stupid, but that is what makes you you. I love the fact that you don't care what people think about you and do what makes you happy. I think that is a wonderful quality in a person. I wish I had that much self confidence. I am sure I have many spelling issues so go ahead spelling nazi I will not use spell check so you can have the fun of pointing them out. LOL

No spelling issues that I saw. :)

I am reassured by this since you actually know me better than most of the people who've replied so far. Thanks.

cheers,
Phil

I think the only words you needed to say were "WTF?" :)

But then I'm probably as bitter and cynical as anyone, so maybe my opinion isn't worth a carton of generic salt. But I've "known" you on and off for years, and I've never thought "Gosh, that Phil, what a jerk!" Or if I had, it's disappeared from my musty stronghold of fats and electrochemical impulses, commonly known as "the brain".

Could it be that the friend who said this to you is unhappy with their life and was making a big stink to feel better about themselves? Makes me think of that Biblical quote about seeing the speck in your neighbor's eye without being able to see the plank in your own...

Could it be that the friend who said this to you is unhappy with their life and was making a big stink to feel better about themselves?

I don't think so, because just a couple days before we had been talking about their life and how happy they were and how glad they were of some recent changes in their life.

Glad to hear that you don't think I'm a jerk, though. :)

cheers,
Phil

i think that, on one hand, being sure of yourself and happy with yourself is the most important thing, of course. on the other hand, even if one person, no matter how important or inconsequential, has a sort of criticism that suggests being nicer to people, then who is really going to lose by making the extra effort? on your end, you'll end up feeling a little more "right," and everyone else benefits too. that being said, i also understand how you must feel. it's tough to take something like that, especially from someone close. i just hope your friend was a bit more grounded and caring about you than my friend was in kind of a similar criticism some time back. although i no longer have that person as a friend, i ultimately benefitted both from listening and from losing her. rare stuff. somehow i daresay you don't keep that kind of person around, though, and that your friend is a-okay.

so, i didn't really answer your question, being as how i've only seen you face to face twice ever. instead i tried to offer something i thought was useful.

anyway, lots of good vibes to you on that and on the job front.

The problem is that I already know I spend too much time ranting and raving and I TRY to be a nicer person. But when somebody tells me that it's bothering them to the point where they have to say something, then it makes me feel like I'm not trying hard enough.

The criticism wasn't mean-spirited or nasty and it was well-meant and caring....but it still hurt. I'm sure you know what I mean.

cheers,
Phil

Criticism still hurts, even well-meant.

However, I will say this: maybe it's because I read a lot into words, but while you ARE a stellar guy in almost all my dealings with you, you seem more taut and hair-triggered these days. I'm not sure what the stressors are there, but I barely know you, and see it some. Maybe it's because I do the same things: when I'm stressed, many other parts of my life suffer. I'm most noted for having severe reactions to things that only would severely annoy me. To speak with perfect candor, I become a snapping, nasty bitch.

I'm not calling you snappy, nasty or a bitch, but from things you've said to me in icq or whatever, and just your word choices, to me you seem on edge.

Thanks for the candor; it's this sort of response that I was looking for.

I'm going to have to go over my ICQ logs, because I've never thought I was being particularly on edge. I may have been short because you tend to contact me while I'm at work and I'm a bit busy, but I didn't think I telegraphed it even then. Hmmmmmmm....

I am definitely more stressed these days. Losing one's job will do that. Aside from that one small item, though, I have very little to be stressed about. Once I'm reemployed, I'm sure the stress'll vanish.

Thanks for the comments.

cheers,
Phil

in my opinion, you are a far better friend than i am. you take the time to keep up with all of us, and even more time (and caring) to actually reach out. you've taken the initiative to IM me and check on me when i was having bad days here and there, and your degree of mercy and empathy far exceeds mine. so, if you're hateful and ugly, i'm at least a few steps further down the scale than that. so, for the sake of my own self-worth, i'd say you're a saint and a heck of a nice guy. thanks for being exactly who you are.

Man, what a nice thing to read. Thanks a bunch, Lin. I'm glad you think so.

cheers,
Phil

You're a cantankerous old bastard with a heart of gold, and I wouldn't have you any other way.

Heh. Thanks, Jaimemonstah. Of course, you've had several more years to get used to me. :)

cheers,
Phil

True, I've known you for (how many years now?), but I also have the added advantage of being about two thirds as grumpy as you are. ;)

Yes, well, I wasn't going to say that; didn't think it was necessary. :)

cheers,
Phil

Well, it's not as if I got the chance to meet you in RL or anything, but based on what I've seen from LJ, yes, you definitely have no problems speaking your mind, but it's not as if you're bitter and hateful about things. Actually, I've always thought you were balanced about just about everything you present in LJ, as this line of yours indicates:

I will take responsibility for my actions, and I will admit when I'm wrong. If you give ME an attitude problem when you're at fault, don't expect any sympathy from me.

Sometimes people are only in a position to see you from certain sides only, be it when you're at work, or working on thesis, or getting home from rush hour, or whatever. Despite this narrow window of experience with a given person, people tend to generalize.

Honestly, without more time with you, I couldn't really confirm or deny their claims on your behavior, but I suspect it had come from a limited context.

That being said, perhaps your external presentation might benefit from a little calming every now and again, and maybe getting to the root of the high-strungedness might not be a bad plan, either (given your account of their viewpoint and your own admissions). I tend to view patience as something that's learned, starting with the deliberate act of trapping every immediate reaction one generates for analysis, before manifesting said reaction. At least, it might be good to work on if you don't want to let other people think these things of you.

Thanks for the many good suggestions. As always, you're a voice of reason crying out in the wilderness.

perhaps your external presentation might benefit from a little calming every now and again

Oh, definitely. It's just not very easy, y'know? Especially when it's such an ingrained thing with me.

and maybe getting to the root of the high-strungedness might not be a bad plan, either (given your account of their viewpoint and your own admissions)

Brother, if I knew exactly what the problem was, I'd be a lot more Zen-calm than I am now. I'm trying to find the source, though. :)

cheers,
Phil

::Smile:: Good luck with your search, then. Nothing but the best, dude.

A good way to calm down, believe it or not, is meditation, yoga, and other "zen" like activities.

It really does work if you pursue it.

It's a thought. I think I've recommended this to you already -- I've seen, in real life,-- how this affects people and I think it's a positive effect so far...

Veronica

You have asked for truth, and when someone asks me that I assume they truly want it. So I will be as truthful as I can with what little knowledge I have.
First off, I didn't take that first paragraph as your friend calling you an ass. I think you seem like a very cool guy, that you do have something to offer the world, and respect that you are an upfront person.
But, I also realize that I mainly know you through this forum of typed out words, where we only see bits and pieces of someone.

It floored you that someone who's opinion you value spoke critically of not just a specific instance, but your general behavior. That understandably stings like a bitch, especially since as you stated above, you don't let everyone affect you that way. So when someone does get in, it's to the mushy center that is not for the gen pop.

That said, anyone that is close enough friends with you to get through is probably aware that they are among the priveledged few, and shouldn't just throw around criticism. And from reading other comments and your replies, it seems they do want you to be happier in life. Sometimes we get in patterns because of all the stresses, and we don't realize how our stress is affecting those around us, and how we are acting. Try to see how your actions and reactions to things are received by others, both friend and stranger for a while. Maybe that way you can get a general picture of how people see you.
I dunno, I hope I make some sense. :)

I hope I make some sense.

You do. I'm aware that the comments weren't mean-spirited and intended to hurt, and that the person really did want me to be more happy in life. It still hurt, though.

You have asked for truth, and when someone asks me that I assume they truly want it.

Always. Nothing less will do.

Glad you think I'm an okay guy (although, as you noted, having met me only once or twice for five minutes at a time doesn't give you much basis for making judgments). Thanks for the comments.

cheers,
Phil

It still hurt, though.
I have no doubt of that. :( I did not wish to deny any of the validation for your pain.

Glad you think I'm an okay guy
I really do. :) And I wish you luck in this silly, confusing world of emotional mayhem and sometimes great joy. *hug*

I don't see a problem, as they say, Fuck 'em if they can't atake a joke!

Not quite that simple. But thanks anyway. :)

cheers,
Phil

What do you REALLY think of me? Am I a total ass?

I guess I should say something, seeing that I've known for quite a bit.

You know that I've always liked you, otherwise we would have never gotten close, nor would we have gone through everything we did, nor would we still remain friends.

I have always (generally speaking) been blunt with you, and one of the things I have said to you is that you do take a lot of little things very personally and that you do steer towards the side of pessimism rather than optimism.

Does that make you an ass?

I don't think so. I think it's a product of how you were raised, your family, your friends, the experiences you had as you were growing up, and ultimately, your character, which dictated how you reacted to all those factors.

I wish you were a more positive person -- but not for my sake -- for YOUR sake. Mostly because I've always thought you were a fantastic person with a pretty good life, so why stress over the small stuff?

Nevertheless, I do understand, because there are some areas in life that stress more than others (case and point -- am I loveable? Can I pay my bills?) so it's perfectly understandable to react to those in a stronger manner. And other not-so-reasonable things that stress me out that wouldn't stress anyone else out (should I care if I eat macrobiotically or not because my parents and sister do? I am the problem if I don't like my third business partner (for the 3rd time?)!

Do I spend too much time raging and storming and not enough time being cool?

I don't know. I think it depends. Some of us hear it more than others, so in the case of this friend of yours it would depend on how often you vent to them. If they get the burnt of the venting, then to them it would seem like you do spend too much time raging and storming about... but like in my case, I get the nicer stuff from you, so to me it doesn't seem like that... unless I read your journal and then I see every once in a while something that does bother you and you vent it out. (Which is not a bad thing -- I use my journal mainly for negative stuff, not positive... at least you try to balance it out).

Have I got serious psychological problems?

Who is to say? Do you need medication? Who knows! I think we all have psychological problems at one level or another... the question is -- does it prevent you from functioning? In the end, that's really what matters...

Or am I a basically decent guy who just has a hair-trigger temper?

Yes. Like everyone, you are not perfect. I'm not perfect either. I hold back my anger and well, you express it. Who's to say which method is better?

_____

Unfortunately (for me), I know as well as anyone and you, what it's like to have someone come up to you (and good friends at that) and tell you that they don't like you the way you are.

It's a shock and goes against what you probably believed in the relationship (that your friends should accept you for who you are). To me, this is a sign of someone that doesn't and probably won't -- even if they are saying it with the best intentions.

There's tons of people out there that can/have/will like you the way you are. It's a question of finding them and/or being aware of who they are.

For me, those people that didn't like the way that I was, ultimately left my life -- on purpose or "by accident" (read: forgot to reply to emails or phone calls). If you have other people in your life that love you the way you are -- no problem. If everyone is telling you that you have to change... then THAT's food for thought.

I don't know if this helps. I'm like you in the sense that I don't care what people think of me. But I also understand your situation... see email.

Veronica

Thanks as always for a well-thought-out answer. I can always count on you for that.

To me, this is a sign of someone that doesn't and probably won't -- even if they are saying it with the best intentions.

We talked about that some because I asked if I had changed substantially in recent months, or if I was essentially the same person I always had been. They said that I was pretty much the same person, but that it was just starting to bother them more. I think we've come to a compromise for now, so I'm hoping it will work out well.

cheers,
Phil

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Lost and helpless.

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It's all good, man

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Meditation

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Well, 11 years and counting...

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