Lost and helpless.

[dslartoo]

I'm at a crossroads.

Somebody whose opinion I respect utterly has told me that they don't think I'm a very nice person, and that it was really starting to bother them. They think I spend too much time angry at other people, too much time yelling, too much time hating others, too much time being cynical and embittered and raging. They said that I spend so much time full of hatred and anger that it's difficult for them to believe sometimes if the nice things I do for them even mean anything.

And for one of the first times in my life, I was struck utterly dumb. The silence spun out and out and out, stretching like a cable of a spiderweb in a high wind. When I finally was able to find words, my voice felt harsh and disused. I tasted rust in my mouth as I fumbled for answers. Even now I still feel lost and helpless, trying to respond when there is no response. I cannot answer the unanswerable.

I have never claimed I was perfect. I have never made myself out to be a paragon of virtues. Most of the people I am friends with have been warned up front that I am often difficult to get along with. I know that I *AM* short-tempered, high-strung and entirely too cynical. And I've always prided myself on not caring what other people think of me. So why does it bother me so much, what this person has told me? Why am I now desperately groping for a shard of self-worth, trying to convince myself that I'm really not all that bad? That I do have something to offer the world at large?

I think it's because while I couldn't care less what the world at large thinks of me, I do care about the opinions of my friends and acquaintances, people that I hang out with by my own choice. And I really don't know what most of you think of me. I don't know how you perceive me and I don't know how I come across to the people that I give a shit about (all of you).

Now, there's nothing I hate more than people who use their journals exclusively to whine about how miserable their lives are. I refuse to do that here. I am not posting this as a plea for validation, trolling for compliments. Instead, what I want from you folks now is your honest opinion. I want the raw truth. What do you REALLY think of me? Am I a total ass? Do I spend too much time raging and storming and not enough time being cool? Have I got serious psychological problems? Or am I a basically decent guy who just has a hair-trigger temper?

Anonymous commenting is always on in this journal but I feel obligated to mention again that it's turned on for this entry. Say whatever you please -- give me a piece of your mind and tell me exactly what's wrong with me, or tell me you think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread -- but I don't want holding back and I want the utter unvarnished truth. If I can figure out how to do that, I'll also turn off IP logging so comments can't even be traced back to originating ISPs.

Ready, set, go. FEUER FREI!

-- END OF LINE --

Currently playing: Kamelot -- Epica. Worship the mighty Khan, for he has a voice like none other.

Comments

[deza.livejournal.com]

The few times I've met you, I thought you were much fun. But then, I also like kellinator, so we know my tastes are skewed. :P

If it bothers you that you are being perceived as overly harsh, perhaps you could keep a log of trends in your conversation. Note how many rants you have in a conversation. If that is a level that you find unacceptable, then you can work on altering it.

If you're happy with yourself and the way you come across, though, don't change. Be who you are happy being.

It's all good, man

[mpceccato.livejournal.com]

You know, Phil? Maybe I don't know you as well as I thought I did. Because, aside from one exception, I have found you to be the complete oppsite of what you stated here. Whenever I see you, even when you're distracted, you take time to say hi and ask me how I'm doing. No snide remarks, no put-downs, none of that stuff. You've always been straight forward and honest, but never downright rude. Everybody has their bad days, but I never seem to notice them.

Maybe this person caught you on a bad day. But you are not a total ass. Maybe I haven't seen you get really pissed. I also don't know your current total situation, but don't let the bastards grind you down. This, too, shall pass. Keep on firing, man.

Cheers,
Matt (borrowed from you there)

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

Well, I've never seen you as such, but mostly we pass each other in the hall at Dragon*Con or connect via LJ, so I can't really say I have a lot of applicable experience...

-TG

[es.livejournal.com]

Why do you say you're at a crossroads? If it turns out that you are all the things accused, will you make an effort to change? Is there something wrong with being all of those things, so long as you're willing to accept the consequences of them? Do you want to be a nice person? What exactly does 'nice' mean to you, if so?

I have never met you. The only medium through which I know you is LJ. And from what I read, you're no more nor less hateful/ugly/mean than anyone else.

- ES

[corvar.livejournal.com]

The amount of time I have spent talking to you face to face it woefully in-adequate. Through the weird voyeurism of LJ, I think I know you decently well on some levels, but not at all in others, which is the fault of the medium. I think you are a good guy, who at times makes me think about things in a way which is different than the way I had been thinking.

I have never experienced your temper in real time, only through the occasional passionate posts that you have made here, so I can't say.

[ga-sunshine.livejournal.com]

As we've never met in person my only opinion of you is through what I've read in your journal. And I guess most of us present an "image" in our journal. Goodness knows I'd never want to be solely judged on the whining I've done in mine. That said, in the past few years of reading you or seeing comments you have left in others' (and my) journal I have found that you are loyal to your friends, compassionate, fervent, and seem to be a really decent, good guy. I think we all have tendencies to rage when there is something to rage against. I haven't seen you do so too much or too unjustly.

[ariedana.livejournal.com]

I think that an important thing to remember here is that your friend is most likely not saying these things to hurt you or upset you. They are probably trying to help you. And as hard as it is to do, try to look past the shock and upset of the criticism to see what they actually said. Heck, offering criticism is a sign that they do think that you're a great person, because if you weren't, you wouldn't be worth the effort.

[jamietw.livejournal.com]

As you know you are one of my closest friends and I love you to death. You are always there when Jay or I needs you and go out of your way to help. Yes I think I know you pretty well. YOu can be umm moody sometimes and do get bent out of shape for little things that I think are stupid, but that is what makes you you. I love the fact that you don't care what people think about you and do what makes you happy. I think that is a wonderful quality in a person. I wish I had that much self confidence. I am sure I have many spelling issues so go ahead spelling nazi I will not use spell check so you can have the fun of pointing them out. LOL

[ytsemaddy.livejournal.com]

I think the only words you needed to say were "WTF?" :)

But then I'm probably as bitter and cynical as anyone, so maybe my opinion isn't worth a carton of generic salt. But I've "known" you on and off for years, and I've never thought "Gosh, that Phil, what a jerk!" Or if I had, it's disappeared from my musty stronghold of fats and electrochemical impulses, commonly known as "the brain".

Could it be that the friend who said this to you is unhappy with their life and was making a big stink to feel better about themselves? Makes me think of that Biblical quote about seeing the speck in your neighbor's eye without being able to see the plank in your own...

[ilexx.livejournal.com]

i think that, on one hand, being sure of yourself and happy with yourself is the most important thing, of course. on the other hand, even if one person, no matter how important or inconsequential, has a sort of criticism that suggests being nicer to people, then who is really going to lose by making the extra effort? on your end, you'll end up feeling a little more "right," and everyone else benefits too. that being said, i also understand how you must feel. it's tough to take something like that, especially from someone close. i just hope your friend was a bit more grounded and caring about you than my friend was in kind of a similar criticism some time back. although i no longer have that person as a friend, i ultimately benefitted both from listening and from losing her. rare stuff. somehow i daresay you don't keep that kind of person around, though, and that your friend is a-okay.

so, i didn't really answer your question, being as how i've only seen you face to face twice ever. instead i tried to offer something i thought was useful.

anyway, lots of good vibes to you on that and on the job front.

[zengoddess.livejournal.com]

in my opinion, you are a far better friend than i am. you take the time to keep up with all of us, and even more time (and caring) to actually reach out. you've taken the initiative to IM me and check on me when i was having bad days here and there, and your degree of mercy and empathy far exceeds mine. so, if you're hateful and ugly, i'm at least a few steps further down the scale than that. so, for the sake of my own self-worth, i'd say you're a saint and a heck of a nice guy. thanks for being exactly who you are.

[marared.livejournal.com]

You're a cantankerous old bastard with a heart of gold, and I wouldn't have you any other way.

[stronae.livejournal.com]

Well, it's not as if I got the chance to meet you in RL or anything, but based on what I've seen from LJ, yes, you definitely have no problems speaking your mind, but it's not as if you're bitter and hateful about things. Actually, I've always thought you were balanced about just about everything you present in LJ, as this line of yours indicates:

I will take responsibility for my actions, and I will admit when I'm wrong. If you give ME an attitude problem when you're at fault, don't expect any sympathy from me.

Sometimes people are only in a position to see you from certain sides only, be it when you're at work, or working on thesis, or getting home from rush hour, or whatever. Despite this narrow window of experience with a given person, people tend to generalize.

Honestly, without more time with you, I couldn't really confirm or deny their claims on your behavior, but I suspect it had come from a limited context.

That being said, perhaps your external presentation might benefit from a little calming every now and again, and maybe getting to the root of the high-strungedness might not be a bad plan, either (given your account of their viewpoint and your own admissions). I tend to view patience as something that's learned, starting with the deliberate act of trapping every immediate reaction one generates for analysis, before manifesting said reaction. At least, it might be good to work on if you don't want to let other people think these things of you.

[spiritchaser1.livejournal.com]

You have asked for truth, and when someone asks me that I assume they truly want it. So I will be as truthful as I can with what little knowledge I have.
First off, I didn't take that first paragraph as your friend calling you an ass. I think you seem like a very cool guy, that you do have something to offer the world, and respect that you are an upfront person.
But, I also realize that I mainly know you through this forum of typed out words, where we only see bits and pieces of someone.

It floored you that someone who's opinion you value spoke critically of not just a specific instance, but your general behavior. That understandably stings like a bitch, especially since as you stated above, you don't let everyone affect you that way. So when someone does get in, it's to the mushy center that is not for the gen pop.

That said, anyone that is close enough friends with you to get through is probably aware that they are among the priveledged few, and shouldn't just throw around criticism. And from reading other comments and your replies, it seems they do want you to be happier in life. Sometimes we get in patterns because of all the stresses, and we don't realize how our stress is affecting those around us, and how we are acting. Try to see how your actions and reactions to things are received by others, both friend and stranger for a while. Maybe that way you can get a general picture of how people see you.
I dunno, I hope I make some sense. :)

[eminor9th.livejournal.com]

I don't see a problem, as they say, Fuck 'em if they can't atake a joke!

Well, 11 years and counting...

[verdragon.livejournal.com]

What do you REALLY think of me? Am I a total ass?

I guess I should say something, seeing that I've known for quite a bit.

You know that I've always liked you, otherwise we would have never gotten close, nor would we have gone through everything we did, nor would we still remain friends.

I have always (generally speaking) been blunt with you, and one of the things I have said to you is that you do take a lot of little things very personally and that you do steer towards the side of pessimism rather than optimism.

Does that make you an ass?

I don't think so. I think it's a product of how you were raised, your family, your friends, the experiences you had as you were growing up, and ultimately, your character, which dictated how you reacted to all those factors.

I wish you were a more positive person -- but not for my sake -- for YOUR sake. Mostly because I've always thought you were a fantastic person with a pretty good life, so why stress over the small stuff?

Nevertheless, I do understand, because there are some areas in life that stress more than others (case and point -- am I loveable? Can I pay my bills?) so it's perfectly understandable to react to those in a stronger manner. And other not-so-reasonable things that stress me out that wouldn't stress anyone else out (should I care if I eat macrobiotically or not because my parents and sister do? I am the problem if I don't like my third business partner (for the 3rd time?)!

Do I spend too much time raging and storming and not enough time being cool?

I don't know. I think it depends. Some of us hear it more than others, so in the case of this friend of yours it would depend on how often you vent to them. If they get the burnt of the venting, then to them it would seem like you do spend too much time raging and storming about... but like in my case, I get the nicer stuff from you, so to me it doesn't seem like that... unless I read your journal and then I see every once in a while something that does bother you and you vent it out. (Which is not a bad thing -- I use my journal mainly for negative stuff, not positive... at least you try to balance it out).

Have I got serious psychological problems?

Who is to say? Do you need medication? Who knows! I think we all have psychological problems at one level or another... the question is -- does it prevent you from functioning? In the end, that's really what matters...

Or am I a basically decent guy who just has a hair-trigger temper?

Yes. Like everyone, you are not perfect. I'm not perfect either. I hold back my anger and well, you express it. Who's to say which method is better?

_____

Unfortunately (for me), I know as well as anyone and you, what it's like to have someone come up to you (and good friends at that) and tell you that they don't like you the way you are.

It's a shock and goes against what you probably believed in the relationship (that your friends should accept you for who you are). To me, this is a sign of someone that doesn't and probably won't -- even if they are saying it with the best intentions.

There's tons of people out there that can/have/will like you the way you are. It's a question of finding them and/or being aware of who they are.

For me, those people that didn't like the way that I was, ultimately left my life -- on purpose or "by accident" (read: forgot to reply to emails or phone calls). If you have other people in your life that love you the way you are -- no problem. If everyone is telling you that you have to change... then THAT's food for thought.

I don't know if this helps. I'm like you in the sense that I don't care what people think of me. But I also understand your situation... see email.

Veronica