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[personal profile] dslartoo
So [livejournal.com profile] datalopez has a taste for extremely bad movies -- that is, movies that are so bad they make your teeth hurt. For the past couple of months Netflix has been sending her cheesy 80s sci-fi/fantasy films and we've been viewing questionable entertainment like "Krull", "Conan the Barbarian", "Dragonslayer" and other such trash. This weekend, though, we were treated to a pair of films that were so incredibly bad that they inverted and came out the other end to be utterly fantastic.

The movies in question starred Lou Ferrigno in his turn at playing Hercules: "Hercules" and its sequel "The Adventures of Hercules". Produced by the legendary (in bad movie circles) Golan/Globus team over at the Cannon Group, these films are just.....they.....I can't find the words. The acting is terrible, the effects are cheesy, and the stories are just something out of the fevered dreams of a drug addict.

WITNESS!

-- The bemuscled Lou Ferrigno (who, admittedly, LOOKS fantastic as Hercules) struggling valiantly to change facial expression even once!

-- Hercules throwing a bear into space! (Yes, I said INTO SPACE. This is how we got Ursa Major, didn't you know?).

-- Women in amazingly skimpy outfits! (This is, of course, a good thing for us red-blooded males).

-- Robot dragons and centaurs! That shoot lasers!

-- A chariot soaring through space!

-- "Amazon" fighters who are clearly men with not even an ATTEMPT to make them look realistically female!

-- The legend of the universe being created by Pandora's urn!........Wait, what?

-- Recycled footage from 1933's King Kong rotoscoped with neon animation! For that matter, recycled footage from the first movie reused in the second one!

-- Myths and legends that bear no relation whatsoever to their original tellings! (Daedalus as a female God, Tartarus as a trident-wielding knight in a forest of spirits, King Minos as a madman obsessed with pure science and reason, Clotho and Lachesis as fairies ("The Little People") instead of the Fates, the Hydra turned into a robot, and oh so much more).

-- Trippy spacelike arcadey sound effects and visual effects!

-- Dialogue so bad that when a single line is actually thought-provoking and interesting, it shocks you out of a daze!

I cannot recommend these movies highly enough. They're available from Netflix, or on a single DVD from Amazon that you can get used for about three bucks. These are the best bad movies that I've seen in a long time.

-- END OF LINE --

[[The Oracle would like to know your favorite bad movie or movie series.]]
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Phil C.

April 2011

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